My First Time Really Hurt

I remember my first time. I was nervous, yet excited. The thought of doing something new with a bunch of people watching seemed like a rite of passage. Sure we all tried it alone the first time, then we joined our friends and soon we were doing it all day and night. When we were done our legs were so tired we could not walk. Only then it was time to park it and call it a night. Get you minds out of the gutter. I am talking about bike spin class.

I finally worked up the courage to poke my head in and see what was going on in the door marked 'Spin Class'. Sure I had heard people talk about how great their Spin class was, but not being in shape I was embarrassed to ask what it was exactly. When I saw all these people in rows spinning their wheels it made me laugh, but I wanted the challenge.

I was asked if I wanted to join in and I agreed. I hoisted my big ass up onto the bike, waited for the music to start and off I went. I am not Lance Armstrong so within a few minutes I was ready to do the Tour De Snack Bar. Some anorexic, boney, bleached out blonde with rawhide luggage skin was cycling away next to me asked me if it was my first time. Are you kidding me? With this small cycle seat buried in my butt I felt like I was getting my annual from the doc with the big hands. I smiled with sweat flying in every direction and replied with a grin and said, 'it sure feels like it.' She was not ammused. My new found class companion with her luggage tag earrings was not breaking a sweat at all. She did however have allergies. She did not have a cutesy little sneeze, a girl sneeze, a dainty sneeze, she had a sneeze seizure with a teretz chaser. It was the most vile thing that I have ever witnessed...except for me in the mirror on a spin bike. She wiped her arm accross her nose and left a trail on her arm that looked like a slug crawled up it. Just what slugs like...sweat and salt. At this point my butt hurt, my arms felt stupid and sweat was pouring into my eyes. I was done. I removed the impailed bike seat from my backside and said good-bye to my new walking appetite suppressant friend, named Rita. The instructor yells that he will see me next week. The only way he will see me is if he visits me at Baskins Robbins.