I consider myself a reformed foodie and food pusher. I would eat anything at anytime and try to get others to eat anything at anytime with me. I did not like to eat alone but that did not stop me. I joined a weight loss competition and worked my ass off. I lost 38.4 pounds during the competition for a total summer loss of 53.8. Am I proud? Yes. Am I sore? You bet?
I did say that I would let you know how my power weekend went with the Crunch Class, Step Class, Zumba and jump roping. First let me say I must have been high on life and protein shakes to have ever signed up for so much in one day because I still did my regular work out and could barely walk the following day.
The crunch class was pretty much just that. I learned so many ways to work on my abs. I think if I just repeated that class every day for 6 months I would be the Abs in Abercrombie.
The step class should be called cramp class. There was no stretching for this class. I guess when it is only 45 minutes long then you just get right to it. I did my step (one step) while others showed off with two or three. I was struggling to choreograph the steps to the music. The most entertaining part of this class was watching myself stumble and watching other pull their leotards out of their butts between songs. It was fine and I would do this again. I think that I have the rhythm now. It is more of a swaying to the music as you use the step. I liked the instructor and did not feel uncomfortable with anything. There were more men in this class which was cool so I did not feel too out of place.
Zumba class was an entirely different story. This class was dominated with women. If I could have gotten a refund then I would have. I was lied to. Were they so desperate for my 10.00 dollars that they had to lie? Since the classes were back to back I was the last in the room and had to be right up front. This was my biggest fear next to the anticipation of opening a can of Pillsbury biscuits I did not want to be up front on the first class but there I was in all my glory. What I did not understand was why there was a lady to my side that had her IPod on and did the entire class to her own beat and song. All I could think was that she was dancing to Zumba Max and was advanced. That or she was just an idiot.
The first thing I learned was how to move my hips like a stripper without moving the rest of my body. Ok I am a cylinder still, how in the hell was I to do that. I played along and became the Mario Lopez of Zumba. I pretended there was a pole and away I went. That was fun, now what? The next thing is to learn to step up, step back, step up, step back, you get the picture. Now add the hooker thrust and step and thrust. Ok time to add the arms. Ok, gay flamingo dancer is what I felt like at this point. Put a headdress and on me and I was ready for Vegas. I kept thinking about this the entire time so I started chuckling. And now we add the music. I did not know it was mostly Latino inspired but I went with it. I started playing with accents incase I became good at it and wanted to travel. I would have to say that it was a very entertaining class and I have a huge amount of respect for everyone in that room. I will be on Dancing with the Stars this fall so watch for me. With my luck they will pair me up with Mimi from Drew Carey or Della Recce.
The jump roping class was very intoxicating with 20 women, all with nylon whips. I was in heaven. Again we got the basics and off we went. I will brag about this one. I was a master rope jumper in 2 states as a kid and I was ready to take on the best. Now. I am a little heavier but I know when to lift my feet. I was keeping pace and I really enjoyed it. Several heart attacks later I still did fine. There is more of me to get off the ground but I don’t need a solid fuel rocket booster if that is what you are thinking. Two guys came in the middle of the class which I thought was not allowed but they looked like they could do better than me and look better doing it. Well to my surprise the one guy kept getting the rope stuck on his hoofs and the other kept tangling himself like a steroid kitty with a ball of yarn. I emerged the master and will buy a whip, I mean a rope of my own and do this outdoors in the fall. I liked it.
All in all I enjoyed it all and I have to say when I hurt now in places I thought were dead it is for a good reason. I am using muscles and staying alive.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Breast what?
Now that I have your attention. Nothing funny about this post. I will be posting about the jump rope class, Zumba , the crunch class and cardio step nex blog. For the moment I wanted to just say thank you to all the wonderful people that supported the Susan G Komen Foundation and Race for the Cure. I was able to participate this year and I did my first 5k in a very long time. Aside from the inferno climate and the people puking at the side of the road, it was very nice. I support any charity that can pull something that size off without a noticable hitch. It was well organized and well staffed. I would appreciate another water station and a Mister over the finish line. LOL. I was surrounded by so many high spirited people. many who have survived cancer and was there to tell thier story. I met up with my co-workers and then come race time I slipped the headphones on and off I went.
I drew my energy from those around me. I read so many of the "Celebrating and In Memory" signs on peoples back and saw the personalized shirts for a team or a family and it was incredible. There was no drama and no one got mugged, thugged or drugged. It was a very energy charged morning. I love all of you that are going thru it now. I admire those who have survived and mourn those who have passed. For everyone else there, I can never tell you what you brought to my life on Sunday. I will support you forever.
I drew my energy from those around me. I read so many of the "Celebrating and In Memory" signs on peoples back and saw the personalized shirts for a team or a family and it was incredible. There was no drama and no one got mugged, thugged or drugged. It was a very energy charged morning. I love all of you that are going thru it now. I admire those who have survived and mourn those who have passed. For everyone else there, I can never tell you what you brought to my life on Sunday. I will support you forever.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
What The Hell Is ZUMBA
Ok, I concede. I will be taking my first Zumba Class in the next few days and I am baffled. I have looked up the definitions and even looked at some of the pictures. I have a few questions.
I notice so much now at the gym while I am working out. I pay attention to my form. (It is so hot....not) but I still notice things that seem wrong. I have complied a Top Ten list of what seems to bother me the most at the gym.
10. The guy that passes me on the track only to merge left again and slow down in front of me. P.S. you smell
09. The weird guy with the M.C. Hammer pants that lifts, dances, lifts, dances
08. The Asian lady that makes cell phone calls between reps and does not get off the machine. Pig
07. The Girl that weighs herself every 10 laps around the track. Eat a sandwich...
06. The booger eater on the elliptical that never wipes down his equipment.
05. The lady that dresses inappropriate for the gym. has a Starbucks Frap x-tra whip and does 5 min and never works out. Why are you there. Quit flipping your hair. It is very over processes and you are creepy.
04. The kid that lifts more than me and is only 12. I so want to lock you in a locker you runt.
03. The lady that works there and sits and watches homemade movies on the computer of her dog doing things to other dogs. Not appropriate and stop smiling at me.
02. The two supremacist that stare at me. You were three. Where is your buddy, jail?
And the Number one irritant: The 450 pound man that walks the track with a back scratcher and just uses it to scratch his crotch. OMG I applaud you for walking but for real, clear up the rash first.
I will let you know about each of the classes.
- Do guys Zumba?
- Will I be the oldest in the class?
- Will the instructor make fun of me?
- What do you wear to Zumba? (Latin pants and v cut shirt?)
- Do I have to be Latino?
- Do I get a partner?
- What if I strain my Zumba?
- Who invented Zumba? Guy or Girl?
- Will I be able to walk afterwards?
I notice so much now at the gym while I am working out. I pay attention to my form. (It is so hot....not) but I still notice things that seem wrong. I have complied a Top Ten list of what seems to bother me the most at the gym.
10. The guy that passes me on the track only to merge left again and slow down in front of me. P.S. you smell
09. The weird guy with the M.C. Hammer pants that lifts, dances, lifts, dances
08. The Asian lady that makes cell phone calls between reps and does not get off the machine. Pig
07. The Girl that weighs herself every 10 laps around the track. Eat a sandwich...
06. The booger eater on the elliptical that never wipes down his equipment.
05. The lady that dresses inappropriate for the gym. has a Starbucks Frap x-tra whip and does 5 min and never works out. Why are you there. Quit flipping your hair. It is very over processes and you are creepy.
04. The kid that lifts more than me and is only 12. I so want to lock you in a locker you runt.
03. The lady that works there and sits and watches homemade movies on the computer of her dog doing things to other dogs. Not appropriate and stop smiling at me.
02. The two supremacist that stare at me. You were three. Where is your buddy, jail?
And the Number one irritant: The 450 pound man that walks the track with a back scratcher and just uses it to scratch his crotch. OMG I applaud you for walking but for real, clear up the rash first.
I will let you know about each of the classes.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Follow up to the Wally World Adventure
With cameras in tote my daughter and I embarked on the school supply mission at the Bonner Springs Walmart. The first thing we did is do our regular search for the oddball and snap a picture. If you look to the right of this post you will see an original photo taken last night. There was a lady in a red formal dress headed to the automotive department but I lost her because of some mother who was trying to make a U-turn in the middle of a one lane aisle who had kids hanging all over her reminiscent of a bad Angelina Jolie publicity stunt. My wife was trying to have a serious talk about some purchase that she was holding and I told her to hold her thought while we embraced yet another paparazzi photo op.
I found the store less attended than I had hoped for, There were the usual shoppers at the end caps buying the impulse magic bullets and cheap $2.00 bath towels. I call them magic towels because you put them in the dryer and 45 minutes later you have washcloths and most of your towel is classified as lint in the lint screen. I tried to dress the same as my fellow shoppers in an attempt to blend in and look much more fierce than last year. I even made a "duh" sound as I walked past the greeter who was busy picking a sausage log out of her only two teeth.
I made my way to the school supplies and thought this was going to be a slam dunk because the aisle was all mine. No female wrestlers or hillbilly Joeys like last year. No screaming babies or motorized Hover Rounds. No combustible body oders wafting thru the aisle as if I was trapped on a Southwest runway with a clogged toilet. The selection seemed limited this year. It was like they wanted to take away the choice part of my shopping experience. I was not going to be a part of that. I saw right thru it. I was price matching from other stores if it took me all night. I had my ads, I had my pen and I had a mission. Ready, set and GO. I was off. Bam, I was stuck. What the hell is a tab divider with pockets. I have been in office supply stores all my life and never used this item. I searched and searched. I put it on the "come back to" list. Next was the Sharpies. No problem there. OK here is my question. You can pay for Elmers glue at Michael's and pay $1.89-$2.09 and Walmart can give it to you at .50 for Elmers and .25 cents for the Rose Art brand. Is there really a difference when you are talking grade school? They both will adhere macaroni to construction paper which will become your new fridge wallpaper. It will glue google eyes on a rock and if you child is stupid then it will taste the same as well.
I do not know why a package of 100 3x5 note cards is .44 cents and if I want lines on it then I am paying .84, this is stupid. Well guess what, discount. Price match for .25 cents and buy one get one so I paid 12 1/2 cents. Price matched paper folders for ten cents with no limit beating the .15 cent price with 3 limit and a 25 percent off coupon. I got $2.50 cent Twilight folders for .50 cents with a coupon from another store advertising all Licensed and fashion folders for 2 bits. I went with a mission and I accomplished just that. For $220.13 my wife and I got $340.00 worth of groceries, school supplies and clothing using coupons and price matching from 9 other stores. Is it confusing? Yes. Takes time and commitment but it is fun. I was disappointed about the crowd. I can only think that some people learned to read and saw my blog and knew that I was coming and stayed home in fear of the confrontation.
After the adventure my wife went on home and my daughter and I sat in the car and waited for them to bring this shoplifter out. As we waited we watched some guy driving a special truck over the trash in the parking lot. It is suposed to suck up the trash and leave the lot clean. We watched him drive over a dirty diaper with no success. He would back up then go forward. He would drive away and come back to it. He drove slow, then he would drive fast. It was annoying him like a piece of popcorn stuck in his two teeth. He went to the other end of the parking lot and made a run for it. Again failure. How wold he explain this to his children? With my daughter and I laughing our heads off he got out of the truck with a long stick and poked the offending diaper and threw it in the back of the big suck machine. He turned to us and took a bow, smiled and laughed then drove off. We made our trek home to help unload the cars.
To the woman that checked us out. You were awesome. You are what all Walmarts need. Sorry for the price matching but a deal is a deal. Thank you Becky for teaching us how to save so much money.
I found the store less attended than I had hoped for, There were the usual shoppers at the end caps buying the impulse magic bullets and cheap $2.00 bath towels. I call them magic towels because you put them in the dryer and 45 minutes later you have washcloths and most of your towel is classified as lint in the lint screen. I tried to dress the same as my fellow shoppers in an attempt to blend in and look much more fierce than last year. I even made a "duh" sound as I walked past the greeter who was busy picking a sausage log out of her only two teeth.
I made my way to the school supplies and thought this was going to be a slam dunk because the aisle was all mine. No female wrestlers or hillbilly Joeys like last year. No screaming babies or motorized Hover Rounds. No combustible body oders wafting thru the aisle as if I was trapped on a Southwest runway with a clogged toilet. The selection seemed limited this year. It was like they wanted to take away the choice part of my shopping experience. I was not going to be a part of that. I saw right thru it. I was price matching from other stores if it took me all night. I had my ads, I had my pen and I had a mission. Ready, set and GO. I was off. Bam, I was stuck. What the hell is a tab divider with pockets. I have been in office supply stores all my life and never used this item. I searched and searched. I put it on the "come back to" list. Next was the Sharpies. No problem there. OK here is my question. You can pay for Elmers glue at Michael's and pay $1.89-$2.09 and Walmart can give it to you at .50 for Elmers and .25 cents for the Rose Art brand. Is there really a difference when you are talking grade school? They both will adhere macaroni to construction paper which will become your new fridge wallpaper. It will glue google eyes on a rock and if you child is stupid then it will taste the same as well.
I do not know why a package of 100 3x5 note cards is .44 cents and if I want lines on it then I am paying .84, this is stupid. Well guess what, discount. Price match for .25 cents and buy one get one so I paid 12 1/2 cents. Price matched paper folders for ten cents with no limit beating the .15 cent price with 3 limit and a 25 percent off coupon. I got $2.50 cent Twilight folders for .50 cents with a coupon from another store advertising all Licensed and fashion folders for 2 bits. I went with a mission and I accomplished just that. For $220.13 my wife and I got $340.00 worth of groceries, school supplies and clothing using coupons and price matching from 9 other stores. Is it confusing? Yes. Takes time and commitment but it is fun. I was disappointed about the crowd. I can only think that some people learned to read and saw my blog and knew that I was coming and stayed home in fear of the confrontation.
After the adventure my wife went on home and my daughter and I sat in the car and waited for them to bring this shoplifter out. As we waited we watched some guy driving a special truck over the trash in the parking lot. It is suposed to suck up the trash and leave the lot clean. We watched him drive over a dirty diaper with no success. He would back up then go forward. He would drive away and come back to it. He drove slow, then he would drive fast. It was annoying him like a piece of popcorn stuck in his two teeth. He went to the other end of the parking lot and made a run for it. Again failure. How wold he explain this to his children? With my daughter and I laughing our heads off he got out of the truck with a long stick and poked the offending diaper and threw it in the back of the big suck machine. He turned to us and took a bow, smiled and laughed then drove off. We made our trek home to help unload the cars.
To the woman that checked us out. You were awesome. You are what all Walmarts need. Sorry for the price matching but a deal is a deal. Thank you Becky for teaching us how to save so much money.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
In this corner.....Walmart Redneck
Do you remember an earlier post about Jason's Deli? Well today my wife ordered Jason's and was told that the delivery charge drops to $2.00 after 2pm. Well that blows everything else they told me earlier last month. So now who is telling the truth. Do the employees really know. Is it affecting their tips? Who knows? I want to know more and will find out. I think I will check into it.
Well any way I am about to embark on the school supply shopping in the near future. I will revisit the special Bonner Springs Walmart again to shop for these items. I will dress the part and will go prepared this year. I will be tough, mean and will not take prisoners. I will suit up and prepare for battle. I will not let narrow aisles detour me from the needs of my child. I will lunge and grab for the last of any given item. I will use coupons and price match the hell out of anything that I find. I will stomp heads and grapes to get to the last of the non perforated wide ruled spiral notebooks. I think the teachers sit back and make most of this up just to send us to the loony bin. There better be extra security in Bonner on this day. I am prepared to drive a stake in anyone who crosses my path this time. I will not be intimidated by the people of Walmart. I will duel with the best redneck in the building, baby on hip or not. This will be like Chariots of Fire in Wal-Mart as I sprint across the finish line, swipe my card, get my receipts and wave bye to the suckers I leave behind. I will allow myself a time limit to to complete this endeavor. I will assume the Karate Kid pose and kick ass. My cart will become the Holy Grail and it will runeth over with the coveted Taylor Lautner folder and other assorted Vampire merchandise There will be a place in the Winner's Circle for me this year.
I for the life of me can not comprehend why the list is so complicated. Why do we bring supplies "to share", instead of just supplying what our own child needs. The schools have pencil holders that the kids throw their pencils and markers in and the kids use them at will instead of opening their desk and getting their own. My problem with this is that now each kid has to buy a bottle of hand sanitizer "to share". This seems ironic. I know that we pay tax dollars for schools so why are we buying black dry erase markers for the teachers to write on the board? If we boycotted this special request would our children sit in the classroom and stare at the teachers because we crippled them from teaching? I anticipate by next year we will see, desk and chairs on our shopping list. I would like to buy another backpack for my child but I am not sure that she will not need a Samsonite rolling 3x5ft trunk estimating from the increasing homework piles from last year.
Do you save all the work from the year, do you throw it away? How do you know what to save. Anything that you try to throw away in the backpacks, the kids all of sudden pipe up and say that they were saving that. I can not tell you how many times I have stepped on, vacuumed, or pulled out of the dogs throat the little items that come home from school. Do we really need to have a school store in grade school. I think that they stock it with the very list of items that they give us to buy at the beginning of the year for the classroom. I don't need fancy erasers or book marks.
Why did book fees go up again. My child had troubles with the Time for kids assignments this past year and could complete it at home but could not do so because they were not allowed to bring those books home because they shared the books with other classrooms. I am baffled as to what book fees cover. I asked and was told there is no breakdown, it is all inclusive. I am not going to a spa resort, I just wanted to know what the book fees covered or a list of the books covered. Going from 4th to 5th grade this year is going to be rough, I was told. I will now have two extremely hormonal ladies in my house. One that will learn what a uterus is in class and another one that will have to have hers removed. Lucky me. I relish the thought about driving around all the girls only to hear about who likes who and who has a crush on who. It is beyond me how they can all talk at the same time, different conversations and still flip thru the radio channels in my car. I am contemplating buying a car with two seats so I have an excuse not to drive them anywhere. The first day of summer vacation I had to hear that my daughter was bored. I was to stay home and my wife who does work from home was expected to drop what she does and drive her all over the place. I believe that we heard less thank yous and more complaining this summer. I disconnected her T.V. and Wii in her room and now she in in my office more than I am. Consequences will be bigger and better this year. Punishments will be carried out in a plank walking pirate fashion. If anyone who is or has gone thru the 10 year old girl phase, then you can relate. As much as I spoil and love her she can break or make my night. This will be a year of getting back to the basics. I do have the most inccredible, beautiful and caring 10 year old that a father could ever hope for. She is my dream answered.
Well any way I am about to embark on the school supply shopping in the near future. I will revisit the special Bonner Springs Walmart again to shop for these items. I will dress the part and will go prepared this year. I will be tough, mean and will not take prisoners. I will suit up and prepare for battle. I will not let narrow aisles detour me from the needs of my child. I will lunge and grab for the last of any given item. I will use coupons and price match the hell out of anything that I find. I will stomp heads and grapes to get to the last of the non perforated wide ruled spiral notebooks. I think the teachers sit back and make most of this up just to send us to the loony bin. There better be extra security in Bonner on this day. I am prepared to drive a stake in anyone who crosses my path this time. I will not be intimidated by the people of Walmart. I will duel with the best redneck in the building, baby on hip or not. This will be like Chariots of Fire in Wal-Mart as I sprint across the finish line, swipe my card, get my receipts and wave bye to the suckers I leave behind. I will allow myself a time limit to to complete this endeavor. I will assume the Karate Kid pose and kick ass. My cart will become the Holy Grail and it will runeth over with the coveted Taylor Lautner folder and other assorted Vampire merchandise There will be a place in the Winner's Circle for me this year.
I for the life of me can not comprehend why the list is so complicated. Why do we bring supplies "to share", instead of just supplying what our own child needs. The schools have pencil holders that the kids throw their pencils and markers in and the kids use them at will instead of opening their desk and getting their own. My problem with this is that now each kid has to buy a bottle of hand sanitizer "to share". This seems ironic. I know that we pay tax dollars for schools so why are we buying black dry erase markers for the teachers to write on the board? If we boycotted this special request would our children sit in the classroom and stare at the teachers because we crippled them from teaching? I anticipate by next year we will see, desk and chairs on our shopping list. I would like to buy another backpack for my child but I am not sure that she will not need a Samsonite rolling 3x5ft trunk estimating from the increasing homework piles from last year.
Do you save all the work from the year, do you throw it away? How do you know what to save. Anything that you try to throw away in the backpacks, the kids all of sudden pipe up and say that they were saving that. I can not tell you how many times I have stepped on, vacuumed, or pulled out of the dogs throat the little items that come home from school. Do we really need to have a school store in grade school. I think that they stock it with the very list of items that they give us to buy at the beginning of the year for the classroom. I don't need fancy erasers or book marks.
Why did book fees go up again. My child had troubles with the Time for kids assignments this past year and could complete it at home but could not do so because they were not allowed to bring those books home because they shared the books with other classrooms. I am baffled as to what book fees cover. I asked and was told there is no breakdown, it is all inclusive. I am not going to a spa resort, I just wanted to know what the book fees covered or a list of the books covered. Going from 4th to 5th grade this year is going to be rough, I was told. I will now have two extremely hormonal ladies in my house. One that will learn what a uterus is in class and another one that will have to have hers removed. Lucky me. I relish the thought about driving around all the girls only to hear about who likes who and who has a crush on who. It is beyond me how they can all talk at the same time, different conversations and still flip thru the radio channels in my car. I am contemplating buying a car with two seats so I have an excuse not to drive them anywhere. The first day of summer vacation I had to hear that my daughter was bored. I was to stay home and my wife who does work from home was expected to drop what she does and drive her all over the place. I believe that we heard less thank yous and more complaining this summer. I disconnected her T.V. and Wii in her room and now she in in my office more than I am. Consequences will be bigger and better this year. Punishments will be carried out in a plank walking pirate fashion. If anyone who is or has gone thru the 10 year old girl phase, then you can relate. As much as I spoil and love her she can break or make my night. This will be a year of getting back to the basics. I do have the most inccredible, beautiful and caring 10 year old that a father could ever hope for. She is my dream answered.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Liquid Courage And Shopping
My wife goes to Wal-Mart and I chose the store. We went our separate ways with our phones and list. I walk in to a Hy-Vee at Lake of the Ozarks and I notice how clean and crowded it is. Out of the corner of my eye I see a man standing behind what looked like a Tiki Bar. This might be just what the doctor order but I decide to wait until the task at hand was done.
I was on my way down aisle 1 and decided to get the fruits and veggies first. Well, that went well. I pulled an orange out and 50 of them hit the floor. I could not stop laughing as I picked them up. So many people were watching me so I felt bad about putting them back on the display so I started bagging them up. I had 8 bags of oranges. I thought I should be standing at an off ramp in California.
I spent the next 20 minutes thinking where I could hide my oranges. If I had to hide them one by one like an Easter egg hunt then so be it. I was not going to leave with a years supply of Vitamin C. I strolled down Aisle 2 and came face to face with some toothless hillbilly wearing a wife beater t-shirt with a cart of beer. I am sure that deodorant was not on his list but nevertheless when he walked away from his cart to get something I placed a bag of oranges in his cart and took off. He needed vitamin D, not C, but too late for that.
With one bag down and 7 to go I knew I had to act fast before I came face to face with the man from Deliverance. As I rounded Aisle 2 I saw a man behind a tiki bar offering $4 margaritas. $4.00, what a bargain. I bought one and convinced the guy that a bag of oranges would look great on his bar and he agreed, 2 down and 6 to go.
I needed to get some frozen food and thought this would be a great place for some frozen OJ. I looked for witnesses, opened the freezer door and waited for it to frost over to obscure the view of the witness at the end. I placed my bag as if setting land mines. I then came upon a big bin of stuffed animals and rubber balls. You guessed it bag three covered with plush Elmos and "Smacky" the whack a moles.
By this time my drink is empty so I go back and get 2 more. Liquid courage at $4.00 a glass was not bad. I continued on my journey to find more hiding spots while still shopping for items on my list.
I needed cereal so off to another aisle. There was an unattended cart so I added oranges as if I were playing Santa on Christmas Eve. "Merry Christmas Fool", I thought in my head. Ok, another drink was in order. After all it is the holiday season, I justified to myself. I saw an opening in the cereal shelf that looked like a safe place so I placed two bags of my produce hell into the spot and moved Captain Crunch and Count Chocula in front to guard the little juicy balls of Florida sunshine.
Ok just a few more bags. I was looking for a one stop dump for the remainder of oranges. I knew that I had to act fast as I started seeing my drive by fruiting victims, but I sure was thirsty. Another drink and I set off to find meat, cheese and a place to bury the last of the oranges. I had become a regular at the tiki bar and decided it would be the last drink since the bartender refused to start a tab.
My hillbilly nightmare was checking out the meat section and left his cart near the little Debbie’s. I had to act fast if I was going to pull this off. I quickly threw the last of the bags in his cart crushing his bread and chips as I took off to the front of the store. I thought I would hear banjos and have to squeal like a pig if he caught me. Visions of Ned Beatty flashed through my head. I felt like a terrorist trying to go thru a checkpoint while waiting for Clara Coupon to find her .25 cent coupon for cat food. I looked in my cart and saw a bag of oranges. Then right behind me was the hillbilly nomad with a cart of oranges and I thought this could not end well. I decided to pretend like I did not see him and grabbed my oranges and made a loud announcement to the cashier that I did not want these oranges, that someone had put them in my cart. Thank God banjo boy said that someone had put oranges in his cart as well. We both kind of smiled, me with my teeth and him with a black hole but I got the jest. I was off the hook.
I was on my way down aisle 1 and decided to get the fruits and veggies first. Well, that went well. I pulled an orange out and 50 of them hit the floor. I could not stop laughing as I picked them up. So many people were watching me so I felt bad about putting them back on the display so I started bagging them up. I had 8 bags of oranges. I thought I should be standing at an off ramp in California.
I spent the next 20 minutes thinking where I could hide my oranges. If I had to hide them one by one like an Easter egg hunt then so be it. I was not going to leave with a years supply of Vitamin C. I strolled down Aisle 2 and came face to face with some toothless hillbilly wearing a wife beater t-shirt with a cart of beer. I am sure that deodorant was not on his list but nevertheless when he walked away from his cart to get something I placed a bag of oranges in his cart and took off. He needed vitamin D, not C, but too late for that.
With one bag down and 7 to go I knew I had to act fast before I came face to face with the man from Deliverance. As I rounded Aisle 2 I saw a man behind a tiki bar offering $4 margaritas. $4.00, what a bargain. I bought one and convinced the guy that a bag of oranges would look great on his bar and he agreed, 2 down and 6 to go.
I needed to get some frozen food and thought this would be a great place for some frozen OJ. I looked for witnesses, opened the freezer door and waited for it to frost over to obscure the view of the witness at the end. I placed my bag as if setting land mines. I then came upon a big bin of stuffed animals and rubber balls. You guessed it bag three covered with plush Elmos and "Smacky" the whack a moles.
By this time my drink is empty so I go back and get 2 more. Liquid courage at $4.00 a glass was not bad. I continued on my journey to find more hiding spots while still shopping for items on my list.
I needed cereal so off to another aisle. There was an unattended cart so I added oranges as if I were playing Santa on Christmas Eve. "Merry Christmas Fool", I thought in my head. Ok, another drink was in order. After all it is the holiday season, I justified to myself. I saw an opening in the cereal shelf that looked like a safe place so I placed two bags of my produce hell into the spot and moved Captain Crunch and Count Chocula in front to guard the little juicy balls of Florida sunshine.
Ok just a few more bags. I was looking for a one stop dump for the remainder of oranges. I knew that I had to act fast as I started seeing my drive by fruiting victims, but I sure was thirsty. Another drink and I set off to find meat, cheese and a place to bury the last of the oranges. I had become a regular at the tiki bar and decided it would be the last drink since the bartender refused to start a tab.
My hillbilly nightmare was checking out the meat section and left his cart near the little Debbie’s. I had to act fast if I was going to pull this off. I quickly threw the last of the bags in his cart crushing his bread and chips as I took off to the front of the store. I thought I would hear banjos and have to squeal like a pig if he caught me. Visions of Ned Beatty flashed through my head. I felt like a terrorist trying to go thru a checkpoint while waiting for Clara Coupon to find her .25 cent coupon for cat food. I looked in my cart and saw a bag of oranges. Then right behind me was the hillbilly nomad with a cart of oranges and I thought this could not end well. I decided to pretend like I did not see him and grabbed my oranges and made a loud announcement to the cashier that I did not want these oranges, that someone had put them in my cart. Thank God banjo boy said that someone had put oranges in his cart as well. We both kind of smiled, me with my teeth and him with a black hole but I got the jest. I was off the hook.
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