My wife goes to Wal-Mart and I chose the store. We went our separate ways with our phones and list. I walk in to a Hy-Vee at Lake of the Ozarks and I notice how clean and crowded it is. Out of the corner of my eye I see a man standing behind what looked like a Tiki Bar. This might be just what the doctor order but I decide to wait until the task at hand was done.
I was on my way down aisle 1 and decided to get the fruits and veggies first. Well, that went well. I pulled an orange out and 50 of them hit the floor. I could not stop laughing as I picked them up. So many people were watching me so I felt bad about putting them back on the display so I started bagging them up. I had 8 bags of oranges. I thought I should be standing at an off ramp in California.
I spent the next 20 minutes thinking where I could hide my oranges. If I had to hide them one by one like an Easter egg hunt then so be it. I was not going to leave with a years supply of Vitamin C. I strolled down Aisle 2 and came face to face with some toothless hillbilly wearing a wife beater t-shirt with a cart of beer. I am sure that deodorant was not on his list but nevertheless when he walked away from his cart to get something I placed a bag of oranges in his cart and took off. He needed vitamin D, not C, but too late for that.
With one bag down and 7 to go I knew I had to act fast before I came face to face with the man from Deliverance. As I rounded Aisle 2 I saw a man behind a tiki bar offering $4 margaritas. $4.00, what a bargain. I bought one and convinced the guy that a bag of oranges would look great on his bar and he agreed, 2 down and 6 to go.
I needed to get some frozen food and thought this would be a great place for some frozen OJ. I looked for witnesses, opened the freezer door and waited for it to frost over to obscure the view of the witness at the end. I placed my bag as if setting land mines. I then came upon a big bin of stuffed animals and rubber balls. You guessed it bag three covered with plush Elmos and "Smacky" the whack a moles.
By this time my drink is empty so I go back and get 2 more. Liquid courage at $4.00 a glass was not bad. I continued on my journey to find more hiding spots while still shopping for items on my list.
I needed cereal so off to another aisle. There was an unattended cart so I added oranges as if I were playing Santa on Christmas Eve. "Merry Christmas Fool", I thought in my head. Ok, another drink was in order. After all it is the holiday season, I justified to myself. I saw an opening in the cereal shelf that looked like a safe place so I placed two bags of my produce hell into the spot and moved Captain Crunch and Count Chocula in front to guard the little juicy balls of Florida sunshine.
Ok just a few more bags. I was looking for a one stop dump for the remainder of oranges. I knew that I had to act fast as I started seeing my drive by fruiting victims, but I sure was thirsty. Another drink and I set off to find meat, cheese and a place to bury the last of the oranges. I had become a regular at the tiki bar and decided it would be the last drink since the bartender refused to start a tab.
My hillbilly nightmare was checking out the meat section and left his cart near the little Debbie’s. I had to act fast if I was going to pull this off. I quickly threw the last of the bags in his cart crushing his bread and chips as I took off to the front of the store. I thought I would hear banjos and have to squeal like a pig if he caught me. Visions of Ned Beatty flashed through my head. I felt like a terrorist trying to go thru a checkpoint while waiting for Clara Coupon to find her .25 cent coupon for cat food. I looked in my cart and saw a bag of oranges. Then right behind me was the hillbilly nomad with a cart of oranges and I thought this could not end well. I decided to pretend like I did not see him and grabbed my oranges and made a loud announcement to the cashier that I did not want these oranges, that someone had put them in my cart. Thank God banjo boy said that someone had put oranges in his cart as well. We both kind of smiled, me with my teeth and him with a black hole but I got the jest. I was off the hook.
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